I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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