So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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