if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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