I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
