No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
