i just wanna soil my oats bro
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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