I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
