Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
