if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dick very happy bro
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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