he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
