ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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