i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
