I'm lost and stupid without you.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
