I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
