I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
