I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
