I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
