the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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