Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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