I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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