trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
People in love make me want to vomit
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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