Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
