Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
