The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
