wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
