I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
