Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have already put on my inside pants.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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