someone threw a dead crab at me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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