If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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