I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
