just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
