Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
