Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
