She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
