remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
