he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
