i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
