You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
