You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
