Umm I'm too high to move.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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