Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
