he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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