I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
