also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
