i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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