I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
