I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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