she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
