I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
