that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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